Thursday, April 2, 2009
I'm anticipating a tragedy. It's going to happen; I just know it. It's up to me to be ready... I alone. Who will be the hero, if not myself? Although, it is so much easier to be someone else's hero than my own. Perhaps if I try for someone else, someone will try for me. Maybe I am the solution to my own dilema.
There is an end to everything. There is an end to happiness. Yes, I suppose that would mean that there is an end to sadness too, but at least that end is wanted. When all of your soul wishes for something to continue, there is no doubt that anyone would be crushed by its obliteration. That is tragedy.
I'm finding pieces of myself that I've left behind; some I thought I lost, some I've forgotten. I thought I was searching for someone; it turns out that this search is just as much for my real self.
I've taken up playing the kinds of games that I used to, making new friends on old sites and reading the kind of stories which used to inspire me many years ago... And I'm slowly remembering who I used to be before I hit the "Start" button to my adventure. I'm remembering the emotions I used to feel, the same motivations and a new sense of freedom. There were many things I used to want to do back then but I was too young and too protected. I'm surprised that I forgot about all the joys that I wanted to set out and achieve. But at least now...
The other night I patrolled the streets of my neighbourhood past midnight. It was actually surprising to find youth in groups still strolling around at that hour. Perhaps heading back home after a party or bar that they had just attended. At least they were in groups. I was equipped with my phone and some other items such as food and light that I stashed within the pockets of my bulky jacket. I listened closely to the night as if it were my best friend. It felt good to be unrestricted in movement -without having to keep in mind the worry of anyone that is. It felt good to be strolling with a sense of purpose; ready for an emergency at any moment. It felt like the world was my business, and every crisis in it was a problem I personally needed to deal with. I felt like there were no boundaries that I couldn't cross, no homes that I couldn't see into. My senses were heightened; what a rush. Searching the internet is one thing... But making your body move through space for the same reason is another. I realize that the ground I covered was perhaps a million times less than 1% of the world, and the time in which I covered it was even less to anyone sleeping... But still... One second or one step could mean the difference between life-filled moments and an endless eternity. The odds are not in my favor, but if fate needs me, I am there to be made use of.
It's really unfortunate that I'm not big enough to envelope the entire world with care. Ha... it's already a challenge for me to love anyone larger than my physical self. I can't help but feel inadequate at being able to send them enough warmth. Yes, the boundaries of my contour limit my perception. I have yet to rise above that. So in the meantime, I will try to increase my capacity by sending my love to random strangers. Well, alright... Not entirely random. I will find people who are also idealists; at least in this way, I believe that I will be able to understand those ones deeply should they need it.
We all need someone to be loved by, and to love in return. I wish nothing more than to envelope someone meaningful to me from behind within my arms -hoping that they would feel my love and positive wishes ebbing into their soul with every heart beat, while each breath being a silent promise of a warm tomorrow to come. If you need me, I will be there for you. Yes, it will take time to gain your trust and confidence... Yes, it does require a lot of finesse and patience... But I do have time. For the next however many years you wish, I can be your Excalibur. Both a protective force and a companion you can keep at your side. Yes... For the next long while, my love will be readily available to the world. It simply takes a willing wielder. Love is my greatest passion, and I stand ready by my convictions.
Will you be the one to break the spell of my standstill; the one to draw me from stone? Will you let me love you?
Many years ago, when I first discovered the uses of the internet, I joined a website called PokemonCrater. At first it was fun to capture those cute little pixelated creatures, but the main reason for my stay was due to the nice niche of friends that I had found within their chatrooms (which looked a lot like the mIRC of today). We roleplayed a lot of Final Fantasy. I was always this one character from Final Fantasy 9. I still remember some of the conversations and the relationships. The words Snorlax and Freya still trigger memories. Back then I was known as Blank. Who would've known that I would still be requiring Supersoft 10 years later...
"But the food was not what sustained the racer, it was her new-found purpose." - Saun
"I hope it's not too late... 'Cause you are not alone. I'm always there with you... And we'll get lost together, until the light comes pouring through." - Michael Bubblé
"I wish you would put your head upon my chest so that you could hear how much I love you."
Monday, March 23, 2009
I may have said that Pride was the root of all sin... But I had forgotten that we are all human, and as humans, we are imperfect. Thankfully, there is a side in all of us that sees perfection in what another may deem flawed. In turn though, this would mean that there are those that see pride as a positive trait... Some are even enchanted by it. So really, it all depends on whose eye one is trying to capture. I think that's what we've been missing.
Randomly this month, I seemed to be noticing a lot more compliments from Karo's friends. They say they've been thinking kind thoughts of us all along, but I haven't really taken their words to heart until now. Some people genuinely wanted to talk to us, to do mundane things with us and to visit us for the first time. There were some who even thanked us profoundly for being there for them. I was especially humbled when some told Karo that they loved her. I thank all these people from the bottom of my heart for their honesty as well as for feeling the need to tell Karo their positive feelings about her. All of this positive feedback and support has definitely been revitalizing.
We've been so... Distracted for the past long while, that we haven't had time to stop and admire how far we have come. Perhaps it has been because of the fear that once stopped, we would become lazy again if we found ourselves in a comfortable position. And perhaps if we did find ourselves comfortable, we would become prideful and stay there -which has been detrimental to us in the past. Pride was the drug that brought about stubborness in our addict-selves. Pride comes hand in hand with happiness after all; if you have anything that can put a smile to your face, then you are more than likely proud of having obtained/maintained it. However, as we all come to crave more and more of the drug that we've been addicted to, it comes as no surprise when foul means are used to obtain and/or protect it. We fell victim to Pride's curse a long time ago for a long duration, and have been ashamed for it ever since. Though, it is perhaps this form of happiness that we've been missing. Confidence; it is perhaps the charm and knowing that we lack. So, we agreed to step back to see where we are. And we are... in a rather good foothold. Thus, in light of this recent epiphany, our personal short-term goal now is to let the happiness of what we accomplish ebb, without falling into the false sense of security that we don't need to improve. We must not forget how to be humble and truthful, or we could wind up in a downwards spiral once again. Let us not make the same mistake twice.
May faith and good fortune be with us.
---->Quotes>"Beauty emanates from every word that you say; it captures the deepest of thoughts in the purest and simplest of ways." - 'Spell' by Marie Digby
"I'll face myself to cross out what I've become, erase myself and let go of what I've done." - 'What I've Done' by Linkin Park
Saturday, February 21, 2009
---->Choice, Chance and Change>
In a moment of anger, I lost it.
In that instant, everything of the present was pushed aside by the past and by the fear of what the future may hold. $135... That's what it took them to replace what I lost. They always seem to be paying for my mistakes. To them, I'm probably the world... Yet to them, I'm also selfish and self-centered. They think I don't care for them, but I do... I just don't... I just don't love them passionately. How could I? You can only be passionate about someone that you'd live and die for. At least, for me this burning feeling... For me, it's only inspired by romantic love... Even if it's just the chance of it.
This passion of mine blazes... But the wind, external factors beyond my control, changes its direction every now and then. And I stand there... At times, on the wrong side and the passion... it burns and frustrates. Yes, I sometimes think that my life will be a tragedy instead of a fairytale; simply because I desire it. But what else am I to do? To be true to myself, I must follow only what I feel. And I cannot deny myself feeling... That would be like denying myself living. I cannot run away either; for I know I'd regret it. I'm simply: trapped. Trapped by my own emotions... Perhaps this is why some people turn away from their feelings... Why they try to escape them with the use of "rational" thought. I sometimes envy the people that can listen to their thoughts so easily... Rather, the people that can will their emotions to take on a different direction. It's different for me though... Because with this passion... it feels like every fibre in my body is being willed by it at times. I've tried to look for other ways to achieve the same power to do things; but to no avail.
Yes, I'm trapped.
...But... In an odd sense, my situation brings a calm. I may not have anywhere else to go, but I at least have the feeling that I belong. It's like being in a room where you can feel the walls of all sides; you feel safe because you know that nothing will come out from behind to surprise you. If I don't control my emotions, if I can't change them, if I refuse to even try and will them to do so... I won't have to worry about betraying myself. I won't have to worry about making mistakes and regretting. Well... In theory I should be safe.
But I'm in an overall decent mood here at the least, so I shall stay.
...Because I believe that my feelings will lead me to a satisfying fate. It will show me a way to something meaningful and soulfully rewarding; a pure feeling of positivity that I'd feel deep within with disregard to time. It is in my best interest to leave these things to destiny... Because at least then, I have a direction. If I was able to will myself to feel something, I doubt I'd know what would make me truely happy. I fear that I'd think of something that could make me happy, but then some time later my emotions would somehow engulf me and overide what I had thought of. I shudder at the thought of such infidelity towards myself. It really is hard to think and feel at the same time... I might as well pick one street that I'm comfortable with and stay on it. I bet going in circles about it would eventually drive anyone crazy.
I won't fight it. I won't run away. I will accept it.
But don't get me wrong. When I said I wouldn't fight, I meant that I won't fight my feelings. If something makes me feel like I should take up arms, I will do so. I will fight for my feelings. I won't accept injustices, I won't accept unhappiness. If I am not on the road to something worthwhile, I will find a way to be driven again. If I find myself in an unpleasant situation, I will not accept oppression. I will struggle. If we don't continue to struggle then nothing will begin. If nothing new begins then nothing will change.
So maybe I'm not trapped here. Maybe it really is my choice.
If I feel the need for change and cannot do it, then that is being trapped. Heh, looks like I unknowingly have a fail safe... Especially because the word "Change" has a lot of meaning packed into it alone. As long as it continues to beg the question, "Where's the dragon?" then I shall know that I'll have at least taken the first step towards happiness: having the want to identify the problem.----Quotes->
No Fear: "Avoiding Danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." - Helen KellerClark: "Don't leave again, Lana. Even if we can't be together, I want you to be in my life."
Lana: "That's where you're stronger than me. To see you on the street every day... And not be able to touch you..." - Smallville
Sunday, December 28, 2008
A little history as to how his name was derived:
According to Arthurian Legend, "Gareth" is the name of one of the Knights of the Round Table. If you search up the name on wikipedia, the first page you find should hold his tale. Now, the shadow-being isn't knighterratic like Rageadon but he did fit firmly into the category of "man of disguise" -like the knight in the tale. He wore a mask to scope, to deal with and then to succeed his situations... The same tactics that our deceitful friend employs. Therefore, we found it fitting that this name be adopted.
We find it amusing that he was also hidden within our long-time screen name: R7Gardeth. Surely, his name was fate.
I am young, but I am older... Yet I'm learning more from them than I had ever learnt from any friend older than Karo.
Maybe it's because the people we encounter day to day automatically assume their superiority from age. Or maybe it's because we tend to appear submissive... It really is an art to not appear completely naive or malleable when really, you're always needing to know more. We've yet to practice it.
I don't like being viewed as the inferior/submissive type. I become irked when someone gives Karo advice that we didn't ask for. I can't help but feel like they're trying to belittle or put themselves in a higher position of respect than us. It's alright if they're old enough to be Karo's parent or if they have the title of a teacher... But with acquaintences or even friends? No dice. When someone unwarrantly preaches; to me they're wasting their breath and wasting my time.... Although it might just be me frustrated at myself for not taking the initiative to interrupt them. I'm sure one of us (can you guess which one?) would then feel bad about that. Ugh, the lesser of two evils is hard to determine. It pisses me off even more when we try to say our own mind, and then they don't allow Karo the same courteosy. This might be why I tend to not say much. Or rather, I'm the "listener" approximately 90% of the time. I suppose that's alright though, I'm used to the shadows. I don't like to divulge my secrets anyway.
But all this doesn't mean that I don't like to learn, quite the contrary; I appreciate the fact that I always need to know more. I even feel good when my information-finding skills are put to use by others. I like asking questions. I enjoy knowing what people think and why (when I ask). I love hearing the epiphanies and revelations that others have. And I know it's ironic but as much as I'd like to be in the shadows; if someone inquired, if someone wished to see me... I'd come out for a chat. To be honest, I'd most likely tell them a few thoughts and revelations of my own. I don't mind sharing... It all depends on how interested they really are. As someone who collects information; I know how important it is to give back. If everyone in the world suddenly stopped sharing their knowledge, their thoughts, their feelings... Everyone would be very alone; they'd feel very alone, including myself. Being able to relate to someone other than yourself is often the difference between seeing that you're in the world of the living and knowing that you're alive.
I'd like to think that I take no sides, as I try to remain opinionless. I watch the life from the shadows, hoping to make it my own. I accept challenges. I do what I need to survive. I investigate pain and I absorb it like I do knowledge; for I accept it as a part of living. Pain helps me figure out what I need to do; what needs to be done to feel more of what I want to. Although it is classified as a negative emotion; it helps me feel alive. Pleasure can come from pain, (moreso the after-effects of it, but) it all depends on perspective. Absurd am I? Perhaps you might even call me a masochist. Don't get me wrong though, to some degree we all are. Have you ever asked a friend to pinch you because you wanted to know whether you were dreaming? Not the greatest metaphor, but my thoughts lay along those lines. If only we could all learn how to appreciate all we feel...
Unknowingly they turn to the darkness when they cannot deal. They ask me for a way to manipulate reason; so that we can get Karo's heart to beat the familiar rhythm in the same place. We all know it is much easier to hate than love; just like it is easier to die than live. But some part of me wants to keep on experiencing. To continue as I have been all along.
I know the others do not see things like I do, especially Maikarien and Rageadon since they were born in the light. And Lorac may come from the same place I do, but we are very different. If she could, she would end it all; to help Karo not feel anything anymore. Although I am also eager to find out the secrets of the next world, my endeavour to know how all of this world feels is much stronger. There are two types of experiences in this world for me: the information that you gather with your mind and the information that you gather with your senses. It is definite that we do not carry our physical selves on to the next world, but it is unknown whether we pass over with our memories; the memories of all that we have experienced and the knowledge that we have gained from this world... For me, to touch, to taste, to hear, to smell and to see are what I live for. I want to remember it all. Yes, the good times especially, but the bad serves its purpose too. But above all I...
I... I think I'm saying too much. Nevermind. Until next time.
"What I was trying to get at was that you are different to me... You're younger than me and yet you are older. When I'm listening to you I just want to keep listening, to keep knowing more of what you think. It really surprised me when you said you were the submissive type, because in your presence you make me the submissive one (which I mentioned that I dislike feeling). But yet it feels so natural to be taken under your wing, especially when we interact with each other. In a fabricated world of fantasy and adventure, you'd be legendary female warrior and I'd be the (slightly) younger "sister" (we would've adopted each other from the orphanage haha) and I'd be trying to be as good as you were... Yeah, I'd probably be a bit jealous, but I know I'd feel a whole lot more admiration; so all that'd remain is wonder."
"If you can understand that you need to know more, and can have others understand you want to know more. And if you aren't worried what they might think if you don't already know said things, they'll likely think little of it as well." - B
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I am capable of endless love, I want to share it all;
To inspire, to help will, to restore;
With my hopes, my joys and my experiences...
But there is a hefty toll.
I'd like to think that I can make friends with ease... But not every one holds my full attention, it's impossible. It's also not the same vice versa. So is it so wrong for me to pick and choose? Everyone does it subconsciously. Is it so wrong to want to concentrate on a select few? Is it wrong to want to focus on one or two?
I may have many acquaintences, a loving family, a good handful of friends... But none of them anchor me to this world fully. A friend of mine once said that if a portal to his dream world appeared infront of him, he'd take it... Even if it meant that the destruction of the world he was leaving behind. Despite the initial shock that he would leave the world in ruins, I was more so surprised that he was so honest. I'm sure a lot of us would do the same, even if we chose not to admit it. To be anchored to this world, there has to be something worth staying in it for. Those acquaintences that we happened to come across, the family we happened to be born into, the friends of location and convenience... Those people may help us get by day to day, but none of them give us the drive to want for another day to come. All we have is hope; that something or someone will emerge to be the light we follow; so that we can anchor our ship to the port.
Well, it's not that we've always been at sea. We've been docked a couple of times, but the wind can change directions and pick up speed before anyone has time to prepare. In the past, we had people that were our reason; people that we would give our lives to save in times of crisis. Individuals that we swore to to never leave alone, despite the darkness that may come. At least, these were our intentions. Yet somehow, even with all the right motives, all the wrong things happened. When the darkness came; it was one of us who became the monster in the dark. The other three were scared, and we panicked, and we lost sight of what was important... And worst of all, we forgot that we were holding on to something dear the entire time. Some of these people we lost along the way because of our cowardice. Some of them, strayed far from us... And as long as they remained outside of my grasp, as long as I... we didn't have another reason to anchor us; then we would always feel at a loss. When you know something is missing, you can't help but think about it every day. You think of ways to find the same joys and comfort elsewhere, ways to replace what you lost, ways to forget, forgive and even retake... All in hopes that the next time, you won't be so careless. That the next time, you won't hesitate to be bold and courageous. Every second counts. You are evaluated on how long it takes you to take matters into your own hands.
Ah, regret... The epiphany of death. There are too many uncertainties to take death lightly. Every moment could be your last. Now I don't live in fear... But I do try to live as close to the present as possible. People have long term goals and far off dreams that they want to accomplish, but the mistake is when they let all those small opportunities pass them by. They hope that by putting all their focus and effort into their biggest project, the small sacrifices will be worth it. But what happens when it can't be accomplished? When something outside of your hands snatches away your primary target? Or that you simply fail from attaining it. Where do you go from there?
Who knows, maybe some people can take comfort in knowing that they did everything they could to accomplish their dream. Me, on the other hand; I think it's one of the most tragic things in the world. Living like that is definitely a recipe for regret. I refuse to be brainwashed into thinking that I have a lot of life ahead of me because I am young. Some people may say that this is where faith comes in, but I believe that you should be prepared -every moment of your waking life- for death. We were all born to die.
Sure, it's valid to think that I live in constant paranoia. I don't, but I guess that's a matter of opinion. I'd like to think that I'm trying to live smartly. I am ready to part this world at any moment... You know, no loose ends and whatnot... So I won't come back to haunt my friends from beyond the grave. Hm... But hypothetically, perhaps their guilt will. Would one of them regret not saying something to me? Doing something for me? Letting me know how they really feel? Every moment that passes by is an opportunity lost.
I think about these things all the time. Perhaps wondering whether the people that I care about know I care is a weakness. Lorac would be furious at me for putting my well being below most things, and I'm sure she would have my head for saying this... but I wonder whether they know that they're not alone. That if they would just open up, I would recieve with open arms. That even if I can't fix the problem, at least I'd be there to face it with them if they would only just confide in me. I know that it would be one of my biggest regrets if a friend died before I was able to make peace. Why have health when you've none to share it with but yourself?
I think this is why I can't let go sometimes. Why I can't just let a problem or conflict rest. I have to deal with it right away, or I get frustrated. Problems and conflicts are challenges, as Gareth likes to say. He likes to face problems because they make him stronger. Even if doing something about it makes the problem worst, he... we all deal with it with all we have. I personally don't like giving up. I have faith that broken things can be mended if you put in the hours and the effort... Which is why it pains me to know that sometimes the problem runs away before I... no, before we can try everything.
Hmph. It's hard to live with the others sometimes. We fight to see who will take hold of a situation first. After all, the way you deal with situations defines who you are. We try to do our best with Karo, to make her someone we can all be proud of... especially since any action we individually take affects us all. We're still working on a system of checks and balances, one where we can all sit down together like mature individuals to make decisions. Ah... But we aren't perfect. Whenever one of us is feeling the affects of a heightened emotion, rash things are bound to happen... Especially since we're all connected. We understand each other's pain and suffering... I guess that makes it harder to stop each other from doing things sometimes. How would you stop a friend from doing something that he or she feels is completely right?
In a way, we sacrifice parts of ourselves for Karo everyday. We'd like for her to be a good person, but we know that if we want to survive then we will have to trek into dark waters at times. And during those moments of urgency, each of us is willing to risk exposing the pieces we would rather do without, the parts of us we're not proud of, to the people we care about; in hopes that the problems can be solved. It can be downright ugly, we know. There are moments when we've looked back at how we handled a situation; and we cringe. In fact, we all feel like beating each other senseless from time to time. Especially if whatever we did lost us a dear friend in the process -one of the worst losses of all.
Sometimes our pride can overpower us. The nagging instinct that tells us we are worth more than we think. The feeling that we deserve better than what we currently have. The thought that we always have something more to offer than someone else, no matter who it is. Sure, we may be classified as having good self-esteem; confidence... But pride is a sin for a reason; it can be a plague. This plague isolates you and forces you into solitude... And it's not like you caught it from external sources -it's all your own doing. The plague of sin originates from within. For us, this is the worst sin of all. It is the one from which all others arise. When you love yourself above all others you start to think that you deserve everything for yourself (greed), you want (lust), you over-indulge and begin to waste (gluttony), you desire the things that others have (envy), then you become angry if you can't obtain what you want (wrath), and at the end; you become depressed (sloth).
So yes, pride is something that we could do much without. Unfortunately, too little pride allows others to take advantage and walk all over oneself. Sometimes you do need to stand up for yourself and what you believe in. You need to show others that you're not afraid; that you're not helpless. You do need confidence in your life, or else you'll be scared of walking out the front door every morning. You can't constantly live in fear of everything around you; you need to believe in yourself... That you're capable; that you're worth something to someone. To be happy in life, and especially to love another, you need to be happy with yourself; to have self-respect first.
Personally, we've yet to find a reasonable amount. Maybe that's why we don't want to have so many friends right now... Because we know that we haven't finished changing; ameliorating. We know not every friend will accept change... But if they're close and dear to us, the chances of that happening are much greater. Watching someone change would make anyone nervous; especially if you're unsure of who they'll become -I understand that. It's because I understand this that I would like to subject the least amount of people possible to it. Simply put, we're not happy with Karo yet. She's gotten better, yes, but there's still a lot of room for improvement. So of course there are going to be people unhappy with her now. It's unfortunate that she's only got a fist full of friends willing to tell her the faults we need to work on. Often, it takes an external opinion to realize one's wrong-doings and shortcommings. It's also unfortunate that there are quite a lot of external factors restricting us from changing her all at once... But we have hope that time will be an ally. No, we haven't given up. We have faith that she'll achieve inner peace someday. It's understandable that this may be a life-long journey. So, we'll be concentrating on the day-to-day issues; taking things one step at a time for now. Who knows, maybe we'll stumble upon solutions to our problems along the way unknowingly.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I have great honour bestowed upon me.
A single act; expanding three years... And counting.
Do my loved ones see me in the purest light?
Are their visions freed from prejudice?
The only friend that I have confirmed...
Is the one person who does not wish to see my face.
I have been given a mask.
Since the beginning, I have been wearing it.
Random strangers see it all the time.
I wear it whenever I meet people online.
But the mask is taken off whenever someone wants to know me.
Ever so willing I have done so.
And I've wished for those close to me to know...
But this one person has never asked.
I didn't realize until now that this was a blessing;
That her curiousity hadn't invaded her dreams.
I may be wrong about her motives,
But from my point of view they shine like morning's dew.
Although she keeps me at a distance, and perhaps only trusts me somewhat...
For the first time the other day, I realized she was serious;
...When she said I was a friend.
She believes in me; my metaphysical self.
Even though I am right infront of her, she hasn't opened her eyes.
She's only known the world which I see, by my description.
She's only known my God-molded clay, from the words I've conveyed.
...But she has a choice to know the truth for herself!
Yet she dares not banish the world she already sees...
She dares not demolish the physical form of me -already perfect in her mind.
I am as pure as my essence by her perception.
A once in a lifetime gift...
I will now wear with pride, this mask misunderstood.
"No one really knows me if they don't see me.
From what or where else could I show my sincerity?"
I was wrong.
She's already made me a part of her reality.
Suddenly, I snapped out of my revelation. I recognized the back of her hair and her skirt as she passed infront of me; down the stairs. She had barely reached the bottom when we called out her name. She turned around and exclaimed a happy "Ah!", and before I knew it... We were being guided by her, with her arm in ours. I did not ask for this, yet it happened. I was humbled.
I love it when they do that. Any lady that places her arm -as if placing her trust and faith- in my own, has my thanks. For those moments, however brief they may be, I feel whole again; like I have purpose and meaning... Like as if my existence was worth something to someone. If this body was solely mine, I would have been a knight in golden days. And perhaps in this modern world... just maybe... a loyal and dependable escort; a bodyguard.
She looked hurried, so we quickened our pace. We asked her how she was doing, and she said "not good". We were all surprised, it isn't every day that someone is upfront and open with us. I was concerned, so we inquired about her problem. We continued to walk, and she started to say how she was worried about running into a potential stalker... A boy that she had rejected. We talked more about it and I endeavoured to confirm that she was in a safe and calm state before letting her wave us off... And right before I parted, she thanked us. "Karo, you're my hero."
How strange these events. Two happenings that could have meant a lot to me were random happenstances. How could they have come so easy? First the close quarters, then the flattery? Surely, I've had to put in much more effort before to hear such praise. She most certainly does not know the implications of her words and actions. Indeed, such an honour has therefore not been taken into account. There is no way she could have possibly known of my knighterratic nature; we've only known each other for about two weeks! It was all too random that at that precise moment I somehow stumbled upon someone in such a situation. Yes, it is merely a coincidence that I was depended upon.
Then again, perhaps the high powers of above planned it. Perhaps I was meant to save her from possible disaster... Anything could have happened; had I not been there to witness it. It's weird to think that my existence is only made use of in times of crisis. It saddens me even more to think that the attaining of my happiness lies in the possibility of misfortune in others.
Bwah, this may sound ridiculous... But I guess this is how I contribute to Karo's optimism. I suppose that I'm the one who is always thinking... that perhaps the bad things that do happen; save us in actuality from worser fates.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Hehehe. We've acquired a new skill! That of an archer.
Our love for the medieval era was born in elementary school. We were fascinated by the simple life they had. We envied, and still do envy the ease at how they lived. There was always work to be done, skills to harness, and royalty to impress. It was up to oneself to hone their talents. Our hands were moreso relied on than our brains. School wasn't required to make a living. Perhaps apprenticeships were a way of learning, but still, qualifications were more often proven than written... At least, that's how we've dreamt of it.
When we were less than 10, our eyes glittered at the sight of combat weapons. Especially swords. That is still our weapon of choice. However, we were also intrigued by bows. We saw a silver and black toy one. We still remember the day that our father bought it for us, and the bargains we had to plea. We think that we offered to practice the piano more. Ah, how we detested practicing the piano back then... But our want was greater than our detest. That's how we were able to attain it. Although it was a toy, it was fun. We were able to add a little bit of reality to our imaginations; our world of joy and laughter. We find the most comfort in our dreams... But moreso in knowing that there are others that wish to share and partake in the same adventure.
Now that we think about it... We always played those kinds of games with our friends. It was always 1+1 roleplaying though. We don't remember a time when we roleplayed in a group. We enjoyed being with just one other person the best. We still do. There would always be some kind of quest for us and our roleplay companions to venture on; obstacles to overcome. Solving problems was fun, especially when it involved jumping over pits of sand and fire, crawling between boulders, climbing up vines and swimming into underwater caves.
Our basement was small, and the arrows were flimsy in the wind... So we were never able to draw out its full potential. Bwah, the item was shortlived either way. It broke because we drew the string too hard... But the memories of joy still remain. Actually, we may still have remenants of its arrows somewhere though... Hmm... We shall look for it.
Ah... So that brings us to today. We were using loaner gear; wooden bows and arrows. None of the fancy metal, plastic or fibreglass stuff. It's generally not allowed anyways. The goal set by all is to try and be as medieval as possible. We were definitely down to the basics... But at least our shots flew in the direction we wanted, and even hit the targets a fair amount of times. =) We are definitely excited for the next time!
What's more, is that we made friends. =) The archery was all free, thanks to the Medieval Society at our university. The correct term is actually: The Society for Creative Anachronism. Ben Dunfirth is the name that represents the Hamilton and Brant county. We reside within the kingdom of Ealdormere.
"The Kingdom of Ealdormere is comprised of many diverse groups over a large geographic location. We are comprised of most of Ontario, Canada, with the exceptions of Essex County (Windsor) and Thunder Bay." - sca.org
Ah, so we fletched for about 2-3 hours. We were given a quick lesson and pointers. Archery really isn't hard to learn... It's the aiming that one must to practice on, and one definitely needs to build up strength to use certain kinds of bows. We only used a shortbow, but we witnessed others use longbows and crossbows. Around 5 pm we ceased to feast. We ate at a British pub, Winchester Arms. Personally, we ordered the special of the day: a hearty Roast Beef dinner. It complemented our medieval activities well. Yum. There was enough left over for another meal; we definitely packed that home. Hehe. We'd have definitely made more of an effort to come out last year, if we had known that it was to be so much fun. Overall, it was an excellent day. Our souls were highly satisfied.
Society of Creative Anachronism: http://www.sca.org/
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Together or Apart?
If my hands were blades, my face would bare flesh.
Scratching, Ripping, Tearing;
At the heat that seeps from my skull.
This fury warms me,
but my furnace grows weary.
There is nought left to burn but myself.
My howls, growls and shouts,
Echo within my heart, alone.
It's hollowness numbs,
But permits for the flames to grow;
Charring, Raging, Engulfing,
In this deep, dark abyss.
The wants are gone,
The needs are gone;
So begone with your foul kiss.
All or nothing;
I no longer care.
Without my heart protesting,
I am free to dare.
However, I lay waste,
Shattered from the chase;
My body is no more.
You touched my mind,
With your hands...
I forgot that they were sharp.
"If my heart could beat, it would break my chest. I can see that you're unimpressed." - Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Monday, September 8, 2008
So you can probably already tell a lot about us from that first paragraph. Let's see:
- We like food
- We like stories
- We have been deemed perfectionists by many... >_>
- We are procrastinators
- We are either too lazy to re-tell a story, or epic things don't really happen to us... >_> Or both. Q_Q
Bwah... But fear not; we decided it's time to begin.
Welcome to our domain!
---->The Origin of The Name>
If you already know us, you probably already know that we like to find meaning and reason within the world around us. We like order, we like the simple things in life... The majority of us anyways >_>;. We admit, Karo is a derivative of the name given to us at birth. Sylvarwick, however, is not. We know it's rather challenging to say (since to pronounce it the way we do you've got to roll your tongue a bit), but this is the net. Only looks matter right now, haha. At first we were stumped between the sliver of a wick, and the silver in a wick. One could imply that no matter how thin, a wick is still a wick that could be the start of a great fire. We liked that idea very much. On the other hand, we like silver too, and Sylvar was more unique. (Go ahead and google both. One has 8 hits, the other has none. Haha.) Also, we asked the opinion of one of our dearest friends and she said 'Sylvarwick' "is more visually pleasing". We take great interest in hearing opinions outside our own; especially that of those close to us. We are who we are thanks to the people around us. We know that they are leading us in the right direction. We would like to think we have good judgement on this matter. Therefore, we accepted the dub "Karo Sylvarwick".
You're probably wondering: "Who are 'We'?". Unfortunately, we have yet to be wholly defined. We don't think we ever will be. We suppose it'll be up to the readers of our humble chronicles to make sense of us. Although, no one can ever be completely labeled. Change is constant. It may be gradual, it may be sudden... But it happens none the less. We are no exception. We wish to track our change; this is why we have decided to re-tell our tales.
We know people often ask themselves, "How did I get here?" or even, "Where did I go wrong?". In a lot of ways, a change is like a dragon. It can be beautiful, scary, approachable, intimidating, wanted and hated at the same time. Sometimes, change is the dragon that must be allowed to roam wild and free, and other times, it is the dragon that must be tamed. Choosing between the two is what makes the difference -for they are the only options. It is unfortunate that some people make the mistake of thinking that the dragon must be slain. To be in the same place forever is a mistake. Without change, would there be meaning? Would there be anything to look forward to? Anything to gain? We might as well be stuck in limbo. A world without pain is a world without happiness after all. How can heaven be heaven if there is no pain? Would we be satisfied in knowing that the pain of our past would be just a memory? That nothing bad would ever happen to us or our loved ones, evermore?
This brings us back to change. A lot of the time the problem lies within the identification of it: If change already took place or whether change is even needed or not.
For example: You smell horrible. You breathe fire AND you eat humans AND you don't brush your teeth. It's safe to say your breath smells like burnt, rotting corpses. (Have you ever smelt burnt hair before? That, itself, would make anyone run.) As a result, everyone around you refuses to come near. You probably don't know why; because you've always had bad breath. However, a recently-acquired fire-breathing-human-eating friend points out to you that it's because your breath stinks. You realize that if you want everyone back you must choose to change your ways. The only other option here is to ignore your friend's insight.
The point is, thanks to your friend, you must must now make a choice, whether you like it or not. If your friend didn't notify you, you would have always been making the choice of "doing nothing about it" without a conscious clue. Slim chance that you'd have given up your human-eating-fire-breathing habits randomly. Of course, there is always reason for change. Whether that reason is important or not is up to you. But when you do decide that it is important/urgent, there's a good chance you're planning to change.
We've often said that we had an inner demon, but we misunderstood. We were battling our inner dragon: the need and want for change. We know we must let it free to be able to grow... but everything just becomes frustrating when other people try to make us tame our dragon/restrict its movements, no matter what the reason. Even so, at least we know what must occur. To realize the beauty of the beast, one must first know of its existence. Only then can they make the journey to see it.
We're ready for that adventure.
So, where's the dragon?
"Marriage is the reward for change; for bettering oneself -for becoming more worthy of a partner." - Professor Juliette Merritt, on Pride and Prejudice
"Change is constant. Fear is its companion. Conquer fear... And you can unlock the secrets of change." - Trance from Andromeda
----->Questions for next time...>
What is the ideal heaven?