Sunday, October 26, 2008

Sin, Self and Sacrifice

I am capable of endless love, I want to share it all;
To inspire, to help will, to restore;

With my hopes, my joys and my experiences...
But there is a hefty toll.

I'd like to think that I can make friends with ease... But not every one holds my full attention, it's impossible. It's also not the same vice versa. So is it so wrong for me to pick and choose? Everyone does it subconsciously. Is it so wrong to want to concentrate on a select few? Is it wrong to want to focus on one or two?

I may have many acquaintences, a loving family, a good handful of friends... But none of them anchor me to this world fully. A friend of mine once said that if a portal to his dream world appeared infront of him, he'd take it... Even if it meant that the destruction of the world he was leaving behind. Despite the initial shock that he would leave the world in ruins, I was more so surprised that he was so honest. I'm sure a lot of us would do the same, even if we chose not to admit it. To be anchored to this world, there has to be something worth staying in it for. Those acquaintences that we happened to come across, the family we happened to be born into, the friends of location and convenience... Those people may help us get by day to day, but none of them give us the drive to want for another day to come. All we have is hope; that something or someone will emerge to be the light we follow; so that we can anchor our ship to the port.

Well, it's not that we've always been at sea. We've been docked a couple of times, but the wind can change directions and pick up speed before anyone has time to prepare. In the past, we had people that were our reason; people that we would give our lives to save in times of crisis. Individuals that we swore to to never leave alone, despite the darkness that may come. At least, these were our intentions. Yet somehow, even with all the right motives, all the wrong things happened. When the darkness came; it was one of us who became the monster in the dark. The other three were scared, and we panicked, and we lost sight of what was important... And worst of all, we forgot that we were holding on to something dear the entire time. Some of these people we lost along the way because of our cowardice. Some of them, strayed far from us... And as long as they remained outside of my grasp, as long as I... we didn't have another reason to anchor us; then we would always feel at a loss. When you know something is missing, you can't help but think about it every day. You think of ways to find the same joys and comfort elsewhere, ways to replace what you lost, ways to forget, forgive and even retake... All in hopes that the next time, you won't be so careless. That the next time, you won't hesitate to be bold and courageous. Every second counts. You are evaluated on how long it takes you to take matters into your own hands.

Ah, regret... The epiphany of death. There are too many uncertainties to take death lightly. Every moment could be your last. Now I don't live in fear... But I do try to live as close to the present as possible. People have long term goals and far off dreams that they want to accomplish, but the mistake is when they let all those small opportunities pass them by. They hope that by putting all their focus and effort into their biggest project, the small sacrifices will be worth it. But what happens when it can't be accomplished? When something outside of your hands snatches away your primary target? Or that you simply fail from attaining it. Where do you go from there?

Who knows, maybe some people can take comfort in knowing that they did everything they could to accomplish their dream. Me, on the other hand; I think it's one of the most tragic things in the world. Living like that is definitely a recipe for regret. I refuse to be brainwashed into thinking that I have a lot of life ahead of me because I am young. Some people may say that this is where faith comes in, but I believe that you should be prepared -every moment of your waking life- for death. We were all born to die.

Sure, it's valid to think that I live in constant paranoia. I don't, but I guess that's a matter of opinion. I'd like to think that I'm trying to live smartly. I am ready to part this world at any moment... You know, no loose ends and whatnot... So I won't come back to haunt my friends from beyond the grave. Hm... But hypothetically, perhaps their guilt will. Would one of them regret not saying something to me? Doing something for me? Letting me know how they really feel? Every moment that passes by is an opportunity lost.

I think about these things all the time. Perhaps wondering whether the people that I care about know I care is a weakness. Lorac would be furious at me for putting my well being below most things, and I'm sure she would have my head for saying this... but I wonder whether they know that they're not alone. That if they would just open up, I would recieve with open arms. That even if I can't fix the problem, at least I'd be there to face it with them if they would only just confide in me. I know that it would be one of my biggest regrets if a friend died before I was able to make peace. Why have health when you've none to share it with but yourself?

I think this is why I can't let go sometimes. Why I can't just let a problem or conflict rest. I have to deal with it right away, or I get frustrated. Problems and conflicts are challenges, as Gareth likes to say. He likes to face problems because they make him stronger. Even if doing something about it makes the problem worst, he... we all deal with it with all we have. I personally don't like giving up. I have faith that broken things can be mended if you put in the hours and the effort... Which is why it pains me to know that sometimes the problem runs away before I... no, before we can try everything.

Hmph. It's hard to live with the others sometimes. We fight to see who will take hold of a situation first. After all, the way you deal with situations defines who you are. We try to do our best with Karo, to make her someone we can all be proud of... especially since any action we individually take affects us all. We're still working on a system of checks and balances, one where we can all sit down together like mature individuals to make decisions. Ah... But we aren't perfect. Whenever one of us is feeling the affects of a heightened emotion, rash things are bound to happen... Especially since we're all connected. We understand each other's pain and suffering... I guess that makes it harder to stop each other from doing things sometimes. How would you stop a friend from doing something that he or she feels is completely right?

In a way, we sacrifice parts of ourselves for Karo everyday. We'd like for her to be a good person, but we know that if we want to survive then we will have to trek into dark waters at times. And during those moments of urgency, each of us is willing to risk exposing the pieces we would rather do without, the parts of us we're not proud of, to the people we care about; in hopes that the problems can be solved. It can be downright ugly, we know. There are moments when we've looked back at how we handled a situation; and we cringe. In fact, we all feel like beating each other senseless from time to time. Especially if whatever we did lost us a dear friend in the process -one of the worst losses of all.

Sometimes our pride can overpower us. The nagging instinct that tells us we are worth more than we think. The feeling that we deserve better than what we currently have. The thought that we always have something more to offer than someone else, no matter who it is. Sure, we may be classified as having good self-esteem; confidence... But pride is a sin for a reason; it can be a plague. This plague isolates you and forces you into solitude... And it's not like you caught it from external sources -it's all your own doing. The plague of sin originates from within. For us, this is the worst sin of all. It is the one from which all others arise. When you love yourself above all others you start to think that you deserve everything for yourself (greed), you want (lust), you over-indulge and begin to waste (gluttony), you desire the things that others have (envy), then you become angry if you can't obtain what you want (wrath), and at the end; you become depressed (sloth).

So yes, pride is something that we could do much without. Unfortunately, too little pride allows others to take advantage and walk all over oneself. Sometimes you do need to stand up for yourself and what you believe in. You need to show others that you're not afraid; that you're not helpless. You do need confidence in your life, or else you'll be scared of walking out the front door every morning. You can't constantly live in fear of everything around you; you need to believe in yourself... That you're capable; that you're worth something to someone. To be happy in life, and especially to love another, you need to be happy with yourself; to have self-respect first.

Personally, we've yet to find a reasonable amount. Maybe that's why we don't want to have so many friends right now... Because we know that we haven't finished changing; ameliorating. We know not every friend will accept change... But if they're close and dear to us, the chances of that happening are much greater. Watching someone change would make anyone nervous; especially if you're unsure of who they'll become -I understand that. It's because I understand this that I would like to subject the least amount of people possible to it. Simply put, we're not happy with Karo yet. She's gotten better, yes, but there's still a lot of room for improvement. So of course there are going to be people unhappy with her now. It's unfortunate that she's only got a fist full of friends willing to tell her the faults we need to work on. Often, it takes an external opinion to realize one's wrong-doings and shortcommings. It's also unfortunate that there are quite a lot of external factors restricting us from changing her all at once... But we have hope that time will be an ally. No, we haven't given up. We have faith that she'll achieve inner peace someday. It's understandable that this may be a life-long journey. So, we'll be concentrating on the day-to-day issues; taking things one step at a time for now. Who knows, maybe we'll stumble upon solutions to our problems along the way unknowingly.


1 comment:

Hesbell said...

Ohhhh woow that was really really well written. I completely understand what you're going through. It's amazing to catch a glimpse into ones mind^^

Tehe, I know who you were talking about in the second paragraph

We have yet to hear from Gareth's perspective^^
I await your next entry~