Sunday, December 28, 2008

Out of the Shadows

Side note: Our apologies, it's taken a while to coax Gareth to speak his mind. He didn't knowingly exist until about half a year ago. We weren't aware of his presence in the shadows, but now we know he's always been there; listening, hidden. He still doesn't have a definite form, but at least he speaks to us now. And we have named him; rightly so.

A little history as to how his name was derived:

According to Arthurian Legend, "Gareth" is the name of one of the Knights of the Round Table. If you search up the name on wikipedia, the first page you find should hold his tale. Now, the shadow-being isn't knighterratic like Rageadon but he did fit firmly into the category of "man of disguise" -like the knight in the tale. He wore a mask to scope, to deal with and then to succeed his situations... The same tactics that our deceitful friend employs. Therefore, we found it fitting that this name be adopted.

We find it amusing that he was also hidden within our long-time screen name: R7Gardeth. Surely, his name was fate.


I am young, but I am older... Yet I'm learning more from them than I had ever learnt from any friend older than Karo.

Maybe it's because the people we encounter day to day automatically assume their superiority from age. Or maybe it's because we tend to appear submissive... It really is an art to not appear completely naive or malleable when really, you're always needing to know more. We've yet to practice it.

I don't like being viewed as the inferior/submissive type. I become irked when someone gives Karo advice that we didn't ask for. I can't help but feel like they're trying to belittle or put themselves in a higher position of respect than us. It's alright if they're old enough to be Karo's parent or if they have the title of a teacher... But with acquaintences or even friends? No dice. When someone unwarrantly preaches; to me they're wasting their breath and wasting my time.... Although it might just be me frustrated at myself for not taking the initiative to interrupt them. I'm sure one of us (can you guess which one?) would then feel bad about that. Ugh, the lesser of two evils is hard to determine. It pisses me off even more when we try to say our own mind, and then they don't allow Karo the same courteosy. This might be why I tend to not say much. Or rather, I'm the "listener" approximately 90% of the time. I suppose that's alright though, I'm used to the shadows. I don't like to divulge my secrets anyway.

But all this doesn't mean that I don't like to learn, quite the contrary; I appreciate the fact that I always need to know more. I even feel good when my information-finding skills are put to use by others. I like asking questions. I enjoy knowing what people think and why (when I ask). I love hearing the epiphanies and revelations that others have. And I know it's ironic but as much as I'd like to be in the shadows; if someone inquired, if someone wished to see me... I'd come out for a chat. To be honest, I'd most likely tell them a few thoughts and revelations of my own. I don't mind sharing... It all depends on how interested they really are. As someone who collects information; I know how important it is to give back. If everyone in the world suddenly stopped sharing their knowledge, their thoughts, their feelings... Everyone would be very alone; they'd feel very alone, including myself. Being able to relate to someone other than yourself is often the difference between seeing that you're in the world of the living and knowing that you're alive.

I'd like to think that I take no sides, as I try to remain opinionless. I watch the life from the shadows, hoping to make it my own. I accept challenges. I do what I need to survive. I investigate pain and I absorb it like I do knowledge; for I accept it as a part of living. Pain helps me figure out what I need to do; what needs to be done to feel more of what I want to. Although it is classified as a negative emotion; it helps me feel alive. Pleasure can come from pain, (moreso the after-effects of it, but) it all depends on perspective. Absurd am I? Perhaps you might even call me a masochist. Don't get me wrong though, to some degree we all are. Have you ever asked a friend to pinch you because you wanted to know whether you were dreaming? Not the greatest metaphor, but my thoughts lay along those lines. If only we could all learn how to appreciate all we feel...

Unknowingly they turn to the darkness when they cannot deal. They ask me for a way to manipulate reason; so that we can get Karo's heart to beat the familiar rhythm in the same place. We all know it is much easier to hate than love; just like it is easier to die than live. But some part of me wants to keep on experiencing. To continue as I have been all along.

I know the others do not see things like I do, especially Maikarien and Rageadon since they were born in the light. And Lorac may come from the same place I do, but we are very different. If she could, she would end it all; to help Karo not feel anything anymore. Although I am also eager to find out the secrets of the next world, my endeavour to know how all of this world feels is much stronger. There are two types of experiences in this world for me: the information that you gather with your mind and the information that you gather with your senses. It is definite that we do not carry our physical selves on to the next world, but it is unknown whether we pass over with our memories; the memories of all that we have experienced and the knowledge that we have gained from this world... For me, to touch, to taste, to hear, to smell and to see are what I live for. I want to remember it all. Yes, the good times especially, but the bad serves its purpose too. But above all I...

I... I think I'm saying too much. Nevermind. Until next time.


---->Stance Live>

"What I was trying to get at was that you are different to me... You're younger than me and yet you are older. When I'm listening to you I just want to keep listening, to keep knowing more of what you think. It really surprised me when you said you were the submissive type, because in your presence you make me the submissive one (which I mentioned that I dislike feeling). But yet it feels so natural to be taken under your wing, especially when we interact with each other. In a fabricated world of fantasy and adventure, you'd be legendary female warrior and I'd be the (slightly) younger "sister" (we would've adopted each other from the orphanage haha) and I'd be trying to be as good as you were... Yeah, I'd probably be a bit jealous, but I know I'd feel a whole lot more admiration; so all that'd remain is wonder."


"If you can understand that you need to know more, and can have others understand you want to know more. And if you aren't worried what they might think if you don't already know said things, they'll likely think little of it as well." - B