Thursday, April 2, 2009
I'm anticipating a tragedy. It's going to happen; I just know it. It's up to me to be ready... I alone. Who will be the hero, if not myself? Although, it is so much easier to be someone else's hero than my own. Perhaps if I try for someone else, someone will try for me. Maybe I am the solution to my own dilema.
There is an end to everything. There is an end to happiness. Yes, I suppose that would mean that there is an end to sadness too, but at least that end is wanted. When all of your soul wishes for something to continue, there is no doubt that anyone would be crushed by its obliteration. That is tragedy.
I'm finding pieces of myself that I've left behind; some I thought I lost, some I've forgotten. I thought I was searching for someone; it turns out that this search is just as much for my real self.
I've taken up playing the kinds of games that I used to, making new friends on old sites and reading the kind of stories which used to inspire me many years ago... And I'm slowly remembering who I used to be before I hit the "Start" button to my adventure. I'm remembering the emotions I used to feel, the same motivations and a new sense of freedom. There were many things I used to want to do back then but I was too young and too protected. I'm surprised that I forgot about all the joys that I wanted to set out and achieve. But at least now...
The other night I patrolled the streets of my neighbourhood past midnight. It was actually surprising to find youth in groups still strolling around at that hour. Perhaps heading back home after a party or bar that they had just attended. At least they were in groups. I was equipped with my phone and some other items such as food and light that I stashed within the pockets of my bulky jacket. I listened closely to the night as if it were my best friend. It felt good to be unrestricted in movement -without having to keep in mind the worry of anyone that is. It felt good to be strolling with a sense of purpose; ready for an emergency at any moment. It felt like the world was my business, and every crisis in it was a problem I personally needed to deal with. I felt like there were no boundaries that I couldn't cross, no homes that I couldn't see into. My senses were heightened; what a rush. Searching the internet is one thing... But making your body move through space for the same reason is another. I realize that the ground I covered was perhaps a million times less than 1% of the world, and the time in which I covered it was even less to anyone sleeping... But still... One second or one step could mean the difference between life-filled moments and an endless eternity. The odds are not in my favor, but if fate needs me, I am there to be made use of.
It's really unfortunate that I'm not big enough to envelope the entire world with care. Ha... it's already a challenge for me to love anyone larger than my physical self. I can't help but feel inadequate at being able to send them enough warmth. Yes, the boundaries of my contour limit my perception. I have yet to rise above that. So in the meantime, I will try to increase my capacity by sending my love to random strangers. Well, alright... Not entirely random. I will find people who are also idealists; at least in this way, I believe that I will be able to understand those ones deeply should they need it.
We all need someone to be loved by, and to love in return. I wish nothing more than to envelope someone meaningful to me from behind within my arms -hoping that they would feel my love and positive wishes ebbing into their soul with every heart beat, while each breath being a silent promise of a warm tomorrow to come. If you need me, I will be there for you. Yes, it will take time to gain your trust and confidence... Yes, it does require a lot of finesse and patience... But I do have time. For the next however many years you wish, I can be your Excalibur. Both a protective force and a companion you can keep at your side. Yes... For the next long while, my love will be readily available to the world. It simply takes a willing wielder. Love is my greatest passion, and I stand ready by my convictions.
Will you be the one to break the spell of my standstill; the one to draw me from stone? Will you let me love you?
Many years ago, when I first discovered the uses of the internet, I joined a website called PokemonCrater. At first it was fun to capture those cute little pixelated creatures, but the main reason for my stay was due to the nice niche of friends that I had found within their chatrooms (which looked a lot like the mIRC of today). We roleplayed a lot of Final Fantasy. I was always this one character from Final Fantasy 9. I still remember some of the conversations and the relationships. The words Snorlax and Freya still trigger memories. Back then I was known as Blank. Who would've known that I would still be requiring Supersoft 10 years later...
"But the food was not what sustained the racer, it was her new-found purpose." - Saun
"I hope it's not too late... 'Cause you are not alone. I'm always there with you... And we'll get lost together, until the light comes pouring through." - Michael Bubblé
"I wish you would put your head upon my chest so that you could hear how much I love you."
Monday, March 23, 2009
I may have said that Pride was the root of all sin... But I had forgotten that we are all human, and as humans, we are imperfect. Thankfully, there is a side in all of us that sees perfection in what another may deem flawed. In turn though, this would mean that there are those that see pride as a positive trait... Some are even enchanted by it. So really, it all depends on whose eye one is trying to capture. I think that's what we've been missing.
Randomly this month, I seemed to be noticing a lot more compliments from Karo's friends. They say they've been thinking kind thoughts of us all along, but I haven't really taken their words to heart until now. Some people genuinely wanted to talk to us, to do mundane things with us and to visit us for the first time. There were some who even thanked us profoundly for being there for them. I was especially humbled when some told Karo that they loved her. I thank all these people from the bottom of my heart for their honesty as well as for feeling the need to tell Karo their positive feelings about her. All of this positive feedback and support has definitely been revitalizing.
We've been so... Distracted for the past long while, that we haven't had time to stop and admire how far we have come. Perhaps it has been because of the fear that once stopped, we would become lazy again if we found ourselves in a comfortable position. And perhaps if we did find ourselves comfortable, we would become prideful and stay there -which has been detrimental to us in the past. Pride was the drug that brought about stubborness in our addict-selves. Pride comes hand in hand with happiness after all; if you have anything that can put a smile to your face, then you are more than likely proud of having obtained/maintained it. However, as we all come to crave more and more of the drug that we've been addicted to, it comes as no surprise when foul means are used to obtain and/or protect it. We fell victim to Pride's curse a long time ago for a long duration, and have been ashamed for it ever since. Though, it is perhaps this form of happiness that we've been missing. Confidence; it is perhaps the charm and knowing that we lack. So, we agreed to step back to see where we are. And we are... in a rather good foothold. Thus, in light of this recent epiphany, our personal short-term goal now is to let the happiness of what we accomplish ebb, without falling into the false sense of security that we don't need to improve. We must not forget how to be humble and truthful, or we could wind up in a downwards spiral once again. Let us not make the same mistake twice.
May faith and good fortune be with us.
---->Quotes>"Beauty emanates from every word that you say; it captures the deepest of thoughts in the purest and simplest of ways." - 'Spell' by Marie Digby
"I'll face myself to cross out what I've become, erase myself and let go of what I've done." - 'What I've Done' by Linkin Park
Saturday, February 21, 2009
---->Choice, Chance and Change>
In a moment of anger, I lost it.
In that instant, everything of the present was pushed aside by the past and by the fear of what the future may hold. $135... That's what it took them to replace what I lost. They always seem to be paying for my mistakes. To them, I'm probably the world... Yet to them, I'm also selfish and self-centered. They think I don't care for them, but I do... I just don't... I just don't love them passionately. How could I? You can only be passionate about someone that you'd live and die for. At least, for me this burning feeling... For me, it's only inspired by romantic love... Even if it's just the chance of it.
This passion of mine blazes... But the wind, external factors beyond my control, changes its direction every now and then. And I stand there... At times, on the wrong side and the passion... it burns and frustrates. Yes, I sometimes think that my life will be a tragedy instead of a fairytale; simply because I desire it. But what else am I to do? To be true to myself, I must follow only what I feel. And I cannot deny myself feeling... That would be like denying myself living. I cannot run away either; for I know I'd regret it. I'm simply: trapped. Trapped by my own emotions... Perhaps this is why some people turn away from their feelings... Why they try to escape them with the use of "rational" thought. I sometimes envy the people that can listen to their thoughts so easily... Rather, the people that can will their emotions to take on a different direction. It's different for me though... Because with this passion... it feels like every fibre in my body is being willed by it at times. I've tried to look for other ways to achieve the same power to do things; but to no avail.
Yes, I'm trapped.
...But... In an odd sense, my situation brings a calm. I may not have anywhere else to go, but I at least have the feeling that I belong. It's like being in a room where you can feel the walls of all sides; you feel safe because you know that nothing will come out from behind to surprise you. If I don't control my emotions, if I can't change them, if I refuse to even try and will them to do so... I won't have to worry about betraying myself. I won't have to worry about making mistakes and regretting. Well... In theory I should be safe.
But I'm in an overall decent mood here at the least, so I shall stay.
...Because I believe that my feelings will lead me to a satisfying fate. It will show me a way to something meaningful and soulfully rewarding; a pure feeling of positivity that I'd feel deep within with disregard to time. It is in my best interest to leave these things to destiny... Because at least then, I have a direction. If I was able to will myself to feel something, I doubt I'd know what would make me truely happy. I fear that I'd think of something that could make me happy, but then some time later my emotions would somehow engulf me and overide what I had thought of. I shudder at the thought of such infidelity towards myself. It really is hard to think and feel at the same time... I might as well pick one street that I'm comfortable with and stay on it. I bet going in circles about it would eventually drive anyone crazy.
I won't fight it. I won't run away. I will accept it.
But don't get me wrong. When I said I wouldn't fight, I meant that I won't fight my feelings. If something makes me feel like I should take up arms, I will do so. I will fight for my feelings. I won't accept injustices, I won't accept unhappiness. If I am not on the road to something worthwhile, I will find a way to be driven again. If I find myself in an unpleasant situation, I will not accept oppression. I will struggle. If we don't continue to struggle then nothing will begin. If nothing new begins then nothing will change.
So maybe I'm not trapped here. Maybe it really is my choice.
If I feel the need for change and cannot do it, then that is being trapped. Heh, looks like I unknowingly have a fail safe... Especially because the word "Change" has a lot of meaning packed into it alone. As long as it continues to beg the question, "Where's the dragon?" then I shall know that I'll have at least taken the first step towards happiness: having the want to identify the problem.----Quotes->
No Fear: "Avoiding Danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." - Helen KellerClark: "Don't leave again, Lana. Even if we can't be together, I want you to be in my life."
Lana: "That's where you're stronger than me. To see you on the street every day... And not be able to touch you..." - Smallville