Saturday, February 21, 2009

Sliverwick II

---->Choice, Chance and Change>

In a moment of anger, I lost it.

In that instant, everything of the present was pushed aside by the past and by the fear of what the future may hold. $135... That's what it took them to replace what I lost. They always seem to be paying for my mistakes. To them, I'm probably the world... Yet to them, I'm also selfish and self-centered. They think I don't care for them, but I do... I just don't... I just don't love them passionately. How could I? You can only be passionate about someone that you'd live and die for. At least, for me this burning feeling... For me, it's only inspired by romantic love... Even if it's just the chance of it.

This passion of mine blazes... But the wind, external factors beyond my control, changes its direction every now and then. And I stand there... At times, on the wrong side and the passion... it burns and frustrates. Yes, I sometimes think that my life will be a tragedy instead of a fairytale; simply because I desire it. But what else am I to do? To be true to myself, I must follow only what I feel. And I cannot deny myself feeling... That would be like denying myself living. I cannot run away either; for I know I'd regret it. I'm simply: trapped. Trapped by my own emotions... Perhaps this is why some people turn away from their feelings... Why they try to escape them with the use of "rational" thought. I sometimes envy the people that can listen to their thoughts so easily... Rather, the people that can will their emotions to take on a different direction. It's different for me though... Because with this passion... it feels like every fibre in my body is being willed by it at times. I've tried to look for other ways to achieve the same power to do things; but to no avail.

Yes, I'm trapped.

...But... In an odd sense, my situation brings a calm. I may not have anywhere else to go, but I at least have the feeling that I belong. It's like being in a room where you can feel the walls of all sides; you feel safe because you know that nothing will come out from behind to surprise you. If I don't control my emotions, if I can't change them, if I refuse to even try and will them to do so... I won't have to worry about betraying myself. I won't have to worry about making mistakes and regretting. Well... In theory I should be safe.

But I'm in an overall decent mood here at the least, so I shall stay.

...Because I believe that my feelings will lead me to a satisfying fate. It will show me a way to something meaningful and soulfully rewarding; a pure feeling of positivity that I'd feel deep within with disregard to time. It is in my best interest to leave these things to destiny... Because at least then, I have a direction. If I was able to will myself to feel something, I doubt I'd know what would make me truely happy. I fear that I'd think of something that could make me happy, but then some time later my emotions would somehow engulf me and overide what I had thought of. I shudder at the thought of such infidelity towards myself. It really is hard to think and feel at the same time... I might as well pick one street that I'm comfortable with and stay on it. I bet going in circles about it would eventually drive anyone crazy.

I won't fight it. I won't run away. I will accept it.

But don't get me wrong. When I said I wouldn't fight, I meant that I won't fight my feelings. If something makes me feel like I should take up arms, I will do so. I will fight for my feelings. I won't accept injustices, I won't accept unhappiness. If I am not on the road to something worthwhile, I will find a way to be driven again. If I find myself in an unpleasant situation, I will not accept oppression. I will struggle. If we don't continue to struggle then nothing will begin. If nothing new begins then nothing will change.

So maybe I'm not trapped here. Maybe it really is my choice.

If I feel the need for change and cannot do it, then that is being trapped. Heh, looks like I unknowingly have a fail safe... Especially because the word "Change" has a lot of meaning packed into it alone. As long as it continues to beg the question, "Where's the dragon?" then I shall know that I'll have at least taken the first step towards happiness: having the want to identify the problem.


No Fear: "Avoiding Danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." - Helen Keller

Clark: "Don't leave again, Lana. Even if we can't be together, I want you to be in my life."
Lana: "That's where you're stronger than me. To see you on the street every day... And not be able to touch you..." - Smallville